Category: Relationship Advice

During a conflict with your partner, you may find yourself falling into the common “I’m right/You’re wrong” thinking trap. You are on the defense, concentrating your energy on “winning” the argument by proving to your partner all of the reasons why your position is the correct one.  Sound familiar?

When we switch into this mode, we are more concerned with “being right” than resolving the conflict at hand. In doing so, we tune out what our partner is feeling—using a metaphorical red pen to keep track of all the corrections we would like to make once he or she has finished speaking. At this point we are no longer listening.

To avoid falling into this trap, it can be helpful to remember that you can both be right. Each of you is experiencing your own subjective interpretation of events, and all of the emotions associated with them.  Even if you can use logic or deduction to prove your point, you can never disprove what your partner is feeling.  Everyone has a right to his/her opinions and emotions.  And even though you may disagree, you can still respect and validate those experiences.

Some helpful tips:

• Give your partner your full attention. When you feel yourself starting to become defensive, shift your focus back towards what your partner is trying to communicate.  (And make sure that you are free from any outside distractions -television, cellphone, etc.).

• Ask clarifying questions. Instead of responding quickly, stay with what your partner is trying to say by asking him more questions.  This will show your partner that you are interested and care about what he is saying.  It will also help prevent simple misunderstandings and save you both from unnecessary heartache.

• Validate your partner. Everyone wants to feel heard, and a simple validation can go a long way towards preventing an argument from escalating. Let your partner know that you care about her emotions by making a statement about her experience, such as “I hear how frustrated you are.”

To learn more about improving communication with your partner, schedule a couples counseling session with one of our professional counselors:

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Written by Joanna Aslanian, LPC, ATR-P

As couples counselors, apologizing is a topic that we are highly familiar with. Apologizing is a crucial communication tool in healthy relationships. We often work with couples on how to apologize effectively. We’ve all been on the receiving end of a half-hearted apology that just doesn’t feel genuine. It takes a genuine apology to help us move forward in our relationships.

We recently listened to the Freakonomics podcast episode, “How to Optimize Your Apology” and were excited to hear about the research that has been done surrounding effective apologies. Cultural sociologist, Karen Cerulo, partnered with fellow sociologist, Janet Ruane, to study the effectiveness of an apology. They looked at the format and content of the apology to determine which apologies are most effective. Here’s what they found is the most successful apologies:

1. Pay special attention to how you start and end your apology. What you say first and last in an apology is what people remember. The first thing you say is a “primer.” Show remorse at the very start of the conversation and intentionally end with how sorry you are.
2. Avoid talking about yourself. The most successful apology focuses on the person that was hurt, not on the apologizer. Steer clear of talking about yourself or justifying your actions. The research shows that why you did it is less important than your regret or remorse. People don’t want context, they want to know you are sorry.
3. Apologize for what you did. Cerulo points to many apologies where people say sorry for a misunderstanding. This does not show ownership of a mistake. Apologize for what you did, not what someone else thought. Highlight what you did to offend someone. (Read: “I’m sorry you thought I was being rude.” Compared to: “I’m sorry that I was rude to you.”)
4. Apologize sooner rather than later. You should make an apology close to when the offense occurs. We know that waiting to apologize tends to build frustration in the hurt partner. Owning up to your mistake earlier rather than later allows for repair attempts to begin.
5. If possible, commit to doing better*. Expressing a desire to do better next time shows true remorse. If you are unsure of how to do so, ask. Start with, “How can I do better next time?” This shows that not only are you remorseful, but you also want to grow and learn from the mistake.

*If you offer a solution or make a promise to do better, you must follow through. If you do not follow through, your apology becomes empty words and is ultimately ineffective.

As a general rule, exhibiting authentic remorse is the most important part of an apology. Let your partner know that you are sorry and you mean it. We are all going to mess up in our relationships- its par for the course. If conflict is inevitable, then so are apologies. Remember: be quick to apologize, keep the focus on who you’ve hurt, and be intentional about sharing your remorse.

If you or you and your partner would like to work on apologizing and other communication skills, please schedule with one of our counselors below:

Written by Taylor Walker, Ed.S.

Ugh, criticism! We’ve all been on the receiving end of criticism and we know it usually doesn’t feel great.

Criticism is one of Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: behaviors that occur between partners which research shows can be predictors of divorce. Gottman defines criticism as a character attack, which implies there is something globally wrong with someone. It is not just a complaint, but rather aims at who your partner is at their core.  As you can imagine, this often leads to defensiveness. While criticism can be a predictor of divorce, how criticism is managed determines the success or failure of the relationship.

Recognize that criticism and feedback are different. Expressing a complaint focuses on you and how you feel about something, while criticism places blame on your partner.  We’re all human and we are bound to experience criticism in our relationship at some point. It will happen, but it is important to make sure it does not become a pattern. Here are a few ways to express yourself effectively, without feeding into the blame game:

1. Use a gentle start-up: Another tried-and-true Gottman method. This skill communicates respect and places focus on your feelings. You can use “I” statements rather than “you” statements to avoid blame. “You always ________ or You never ________, “ places blame and creates defensiveness off the bat. Focus on stating what you need rather than blaming your partner for what you are not receiving to more effectively be heard and get your needs met.

• “You” statement: “You never help with the dishes. You are so selfish!”
• “I” statement: “I know I was grouchy tonight. I’m feeling overwhelmed with doing all of the dishes. Could you help me tomorrow?”

2. Focus on how to improve: Sometimes we need to give feedback to make changes. Use specific behavior, not character traits to suggest improvements. Describe what you’re seeing. This will help you be specific about what you would like to change in the future.

3. Express appreciation: Soften your feedback by also showing some appreciation. Don’t be afraid to point out a positive when giving feedback. Even when you’re upset or in conflict, you still love your partner! Showing that helps create warmth in the midst of difficult conversations and makes requests feel less combative.

Great job if you’re incorporating some of these tips already! Be intentional and always communicate respect. Conflict is never easy, but working on how you communicate will make it occur less over time.

If you or you and your partner would like some help managing conflict or criticism, please book with one of our expert couples counselors. 

Written by Taylor Walker, Ed.S.