When youâre upset with your partner and feel a heated discussion coming on the
last thing on your mind is approaching them with kid gloves. However, thatâs exactly what John and Julie Gottman tells us we should be doing. The Gottmans are world-renowned researchers who are famous for their work studying couples.
When youâre irritated or angry with your partner and know that you will be
addressing a sensitive topic, try taking a step back and approaching the
conversation with a âsoft startup.â This simply means starting the sensitive
conversation in a kind and gentle way. The idea is that the tone at the onset of the
conversation will make a big difference in how the conversation plays out.
The Gottmans discovered that when you start off a conversation with accusations or
critical language, your partner is less likely to be receptive to what youâre saying.
The conversation will likely end as tense as it started. Makes sense, right? So, if
youâre feeling angry with your partner, try taking a long walk, take some deep
breaths and allow yourself to consider the soft startup before going into attack
mode.
Some other tips for acing those tense conversations:
- Start with the good â Voice appreciation. Take a moment to notice what your
partner is doing right. - âIâ is better than âyouâ â When you start sentences with âIâ you are less
likely to seem critical, which will immediately put your partner on the
defensive. Take ownership of how youâre feeling, instead of being critical and
nasty to your partner. For example, you might say âI donât feel like you are
listening right now,â instead of âYou never listen to me!â Put the focus on how
you are feeling. - Complain, donât blame â Even if you are feeling that this is all your partnerâs
fault, being critical of your partnerâs character will get you nowhere fast. - Be polite â Try using phrases like âI would appreciate ifâŚâ or âIt would mean
a lot to me ifâŚâ - Describe what is happening; try not to place judgment. – Describe your
perspective on what is happening without placing blame or judgment. For
example â âI have noticed that Iâve done the dishes every night this weekâ
instead of âYouâre lazy, you never clean up or do the dishes.â
Next time, try using the soft startup and see how it makes a difference in
communicating with your partner.
This blog post was written by Katie Golem, LSW, one of the couples counselors on staff at Artemis Counseling.